Again, living longer, if done well, means your circle of friends gets bigger and bigger while your inclination for a wedding size probably gets smaller and smaller.
Here was our compromise. We held a Wedding Eve Bash and broke all rules and invited friends who were not invited to the wedding (lots of work friends and local friends).
We started thinking about a small wedding with a big celebration after the honeymoon. the more we thought about it, the more we wanted the special people who flew in for the festivities to meet our local friends so the idea of merging the rehearsal dinner and a wedding bash took shape.
I believe we violated most rules of etiquette but the guests had a terrific time and appreciated being included and it meant so much to have them there. The wedding included 100 guests while the Wedding Eve Bash was 150.
The Wedding Eve Bash also gave me the opportunity to go in wildly different directions for each event. Where the wedding day was shades of ivory and cream, wedding eve was bright tropical flowers and bright polka dot table cloths. Where the wedding was a formal, sit down dinner, wedding eve was a buffet, with open seating and a Coldstone Creamery sundae bar. It satisfied my wedding wishes at both extremes.
It wasn't a perfect fix however because we had another 50 or so friends who lived around the country. We so wanted to include them in the wedding and it hurt to X them off the list. That said, we had a hard enough time talking to every guest with 100 guests so we are glad we didn't do a huge wedding after all.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Monday, August 17, 2009
PRIME OF LIFE BRIDE GUIDE TO WEDDING PARTIES
Oh I know, deciding on the wedding party is never easy but it gets harder when you have friends going back farther than the age of today's average bride.
First, you have family issues, both of you have probably seen your families double in size with the addition of in-laws in the last few decades. Then you have their kids...
On the friend side, your gang has gotten larger with time and the intensity of the friendships have waxed and waned over the years so, do you ask your then best friend - the person for whom served as her maid of honor even if the relationship has faded a bit? How about the friends who married when your friendship was in its early stages so you weren't in their weddings but would like to have them now...
Then you have the size issue. Once again, let me channel my mother who said "nobody wants to see a parade of 50 year old women walk down the asile before you." Plus, let's face it, for everyone who might be offended because you didn't ask, there are two others saying "Thank God!"
I had a friend who married around 40 and came up with an interesting solution - she had the children of her friends and family parade down the aisle before her. The friends and family were thrilled and felt included and she had an adorable procession. This, however, is not for the faint of heart.
I built on that idea. I asked my oldest close friend (or is it closest old friend?) to be my attendant and my husband asked his step-daughter to be his "Best Man". We then added the little people - we had three flowergirls (my two nieces and his granddaughter) and my Godson was our ringbearer.
It had the sophistication of an older wedding - with one attendant each - but the joy of a big wedding with adorable little kids in the procession. My grandmother (mentioned in the first blog posting) is long dead but I'm convinced she orchestrated the procession from heaven because kids who kept spinning in circles, crying, or playing tag at the rehearsal all stepped up to the plate and walked a straight line looking angelic for their big moment.
First, you have family issues, both of you have probably seen your families double in size with the addition of in-laws in the last few decades. Then you have their kids...
On the friend side, your gang has gotten larger with time and the intensity of the friendships have waxed and waned over the years so, do you ask your then best friend - the person for whom served as her maid of honor even if the relationship has faded a bit? How about the friends who married when your friendship was in its early stages so you weren't in their weddings but would like to have them now...
Then you have the size issue. Once again, let me channel my mother who said "nobody wants to see a parade of 50 year old women walk down the asile before you." Plus, let's face it, for everyone who might be offended because you didn't ask, there are two others saying "Thank God!"
I had a friend who married around 40 and came up with an interesting solution - she had the children of her friends and family parade down the aisle before her. The friends and family were thrilled and felt included and she had an adorable procession. This, however, is not for the faint of heart.
I built on that idea. I asked my oldest close friend (or is it closest old friend?) to be my attendant and my husband asked his step-daughter to be his "Best Man". We then added the little people - we had three flowergirls (my two nieces and his granddaughter) and my Godson was our ringbearer.
It had the sophistication of an older wedding - with one attendant each - but the joy of a big wedding with adorable little kids in the procession. My grandmother (mentioned in the first blog posting) is long dead but I'm convinced she orchestrated the procession from heaven because kids who kept spinning in circles, crying, or playing tag at the rehearsal all stepped up to the plate and walked a straight line looking angelic for their big moment.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
PRIME OF LIFE BRIDE GUIDE TO WEDDING VEILS
"Remember, you're almost 50!"This was my mother's anthem during the year of wedding planning but it was most pronounced during the veil discussion.
I had debated back and forth and decided against a veil for several reasons. The big one is that the feminist in me rejects the origin of the tradition (though I caved on others) but here I did agree that I was too old for a veil and this put me oddly in sync with bridal style which seems to be less about veils these days.
A few of my friends were disappointed because they saw the veil as central to the wedding look. As I thought about it, I recalled that all good childhood wedding ceremonies involved a towel or pillowcase on our heads which meant that we were the bride (or the nun if we were playing school).
Bridal salespeople, like drug dealers, look for vulnerability and swoop in. The consultant asked if I wanted to see veils. My mother shouted "no, that won't be necessary" at the same time that I said "well, it wouldn't hurt to look..." All reason goes by the wayside at a bridal superstore. No matter what ridiculous thing you might be considering, the woman across the store is doing something even more outlandish so you always feel justified in your choices.
It was fun to try them on and I did feel bride-y but I also fe
lt stupid so cooler heads prevailed.
lt stupid so cooler heads prevailed.I opted to put flowers in my hair. Much better!
Monday, August 10, 2009
PRIME OF LIFE BRIDE GUIDE TO WEDDING DRESSES
"I'm 45 and fat, what do you have?"
Undaunted, the lovely Kleinfelds bridal consultant, who was twice my age and half my size, said, in the heaviest of NY accents "listen tah me. Youuu awh goingk tah bee a beeeuuteeful broide"
No bridal challenge comes close to the wedding dress selection. All the more so when you aren't close to the targeted market sector.
My dress shopping consisted of several hours of internet research and one visit to Kleinfeld's. http://www.kleinfeldbridal.com/
For those of you unfamiliar with the store, Kleinfeld's is the Home Depot of wedding gowns. As a non-traditional bride, I selected Kleinfeld's for its sheer variety. As some sort of punishment to both of us, I brought my mother along.
My mother has always been the cool mom my friends liked because she treated us like adults when we were kids. She never baked cookies or kissed a boo-boo and she never fantasized about the day she would go wedding dress shopping with her daughter. Most days, we get along just fine but some days, I want that Betty Crocker mom to materialize and if she won't do it willingly, I'll drag it out of her (do therapists read these sites trolling for patients?)
So my mother and I set out for NYC one Saturday last fall. En route, I looked lovingly through the stack of photos of the princess style dresses I had selected while she said things like "remember, you are almost 50."
As soon as we arrived, I realized we looked like the mother and grandmother of the bride as we sat in the waiting area with the child brides. To make matters worse, they were filming "Say Yes to the Dress" (a reality show featuring brides shopping for their gowns). Signs caution you that by walking through the showroom, you are likely to be captured on film. My mother who HATES attention did a version of the marine crawl through the showroom to get to our dressing room off camera.
While our consultant was hard at work, my mother and I browsed
the Michelle Roth Trunk Sale and both zeroed in on the same beautiful dress. It was sophisticated, simple and ivory. It wasn't princess gown and it wasn't an ivory suit. It was a beautiful dress for a first time bride.
The consultant came back with an armful of options but we said "this is it!" I don't think she expected to make a sale in under 15 minutes but that was about all the dress stress I could handle and my mother's fake smile and efforts to be supportive were beginning to wear on me. The consultant draped the dress in front of me (I'm not sample size) and bless her tiny little heart, she pulled the waist around my waist (think of the corseting scene from Gone With The Wind) and actually created a waist for me - first time I ever saw that. I thought of hiring her to walk behind me for special occasions.
By my informal count, 98% of today's gowns come sleeveless. That is a problem. With the notable exceptions of Michelle Obama and Madonna, how many of us should really be showing our arms at this age?
I'm a big fan of the shawl but I didn't want to wrestle with it all night (and did I mention I like to dance) so Michelle Roth worked with the nice people at Kleinfelds. She added straps to the dress and the Kleinfeld's seamstress designed a cool organza shawl that wrapped around my arms and connected behind me with an elastic so it stayed in place and let me dance to my heart's content.
Then there was the length question. I assumed that being a bride of a certain age, I should hem the dress to cocktail length. My consultant said "length slims" so I decided to keep every last inch of it.
The gown came with a chapel length train and everyone at Kleinfled's agreed it should stay. My mother smiled and nodded, waited them to leave, and whispered "you're almost 50."
The train stayed :)
Undaunted, the lovely Kleinfelds bridal consultant, who was twice my age and half my size, said, in the heaviest of NY accents "listen tah me. Youuu awh goingk tah bee a beeeuuteeful broide"
No bridal challenge comes close to the wedding dress selection. All the more so when you aren't close to the targeted market sector.
My dress shopping consisted of several hours of internet research and one visit to Kleinfeld's. http://www.kleinfeldbridal.com/
For those of you unfamiliar with the store, Kleinfeld's is the Home Depot of wedding gowns. As a non-traditional bride, I selected Kleinfeld's for its sheer variety. As some sort of punishment to both of us, I brought my mother along.My mother has always been the cool mom my friends liked because she treated us like adults when we were kids. She never baked cookies or kissed a boo-boo and she never fantasized about the day she would go wedding dress shopping with her daughter. Most days, we get along just fine but some days, I want that Betty Crocker mom to materialize and if she won't do it willingly, I'll drag it out of her (do therapists read these sites trolling for patients?)
So my mother and I set out for NYC one Saturday last fall. En route, I looked lovingly through the stack of photos of the princess style dresses I had selected while she said things like "remember, you are almost 50."
As soon as we arrived, I realized we looked like the mother and grandmother of the bride as we sat in the waiting area with the child brides. To make matters worse, they were filming "Say Yes to the Dress" (a reality show featuring brides shopping for their gowns). Signs caution you that by walking through the showroom, you are likely to be captured on film. My mother who HATES attention did a version of the marine crawl through the showroom to get to our dressing room off camera.
While our consultant was hard at work, my mother and I browsed
the Michelle Roth Trunk Sale and both zeroed in on the same beautiful dress. It was sophisticated, simple and ivory. It wasn't princess gown and it wasn't an ivory suit. It was a beautiful dress for a first time bride.The consultant came back with an armful of options but we said "this is it!" I don't think she expected to make a sale in under 15 minutes but that was about all the dress stress I could handle and my mother's fake smile and efforts to be supportive were beginning to wear on me. The consultant draped the dress in front of me (I'm not sample size) and bless her tiny little heart, she pulled the waist around my waist (think of the corseting scene from Gone With The Wind) and actually created a waist for me - first time I ever saw that. I thought of hiring her to walk behind me for special occasions.
By my informal count, 98% of today's gowns come sleeveless. That is a problem. With the notable exceptions of Michelle Obama and Madonna, how many of us should really be showing our arms at this age?
I'm a big fan of the shawl but I didn't want to wrestle with it all night (and did I mention I like to dance) so Michelle Roth worked with the nice people at Kleinfelds. She added straps to the dress and the Kleinfeld's seamstress designed a cool organza shawl that wrapped around my arms and connected behind me with an elastic so it stayed in place and let me dance to my heart's content.
Then there was the length question. I assumed that being a bride of a certain age, I should hem the dress to cocktail length. My consultant said "length slims" so I decided to keep every last inch of it.
The gown came with a chapel length train and everyone at Kleinfled's agreed it should stay. My mother smiled and nodded, waited them to leave, and whispered "you're almost 50."
The train stayed :)
PRIME OF LIFE BRIDE GUIDE TO RECEPTION MUSIC
I love to dance but I also love to talk and I'm usually disappointed when a wedding reception doesn't allow me to do both.
Our compromise was a harpist and cellist for cocktails and dinner followed by a DJ playing 80s dance music for the final ninety minutes.
Several people thanked us during dinner and said how much they enjoyed chatting with their friends with music as background.
We were lucky enough to find a space that allowed guests to move about freely after dinner. We did a dessert buffet and let guests mingle outside (it was a beautiful June night) or sit in a large living room while the dancers took over the ballroom. I thought this worked pretty well.
The dance floor had its share of couples but it was mostly group dances to songs like "It's Raining Men" and "Time Warp." Many of my college friends came without their spouses (we went to a women's college and we like our girls' weekends plus, the guys had to stay home to watch the kids) . I was excited when all of the other women (and a few brave men)joined in the dancing. We had a blast.
In selecting our 80s music, our DJ gave us the opportunity to list our "must plays" and our "must not plays." When my fiance and I compared lists, we found some of my "must plays" on his "must not play" list and vice versa. We compromised (he would say that he gave in). It worked perfectly.
What are your thoughts about music?
Our compromise was a harpist and cellist for cocktails and dinner followed by a DJ playing 80s dance music for the final ninety minutes.Several people thanked us during dinner and said how much they enjoyed chatting with their friends with music as background.
We were lucky enough to find a space that allowed guests to move about freely after dinner. We did a dessert buffet and let guests mingle outside (it was a beautiful June night) or sit in a large living room while the dancers took over the ballroom. I thought this worked pretty well.
The dance floor had its share of couples but it was mostly group dances to songs like "It's Raining Men" and "Time Warp." Many of my college friends came without their spouses (we went to a women's college and we like our girls' weekends plus, the guys had to stay home to watch the kids) . I was excited when all of the other women (and a few brave men)joined in the dancing. We had a blast.In selecting our 80s music, our DJ gave us the opportunity to list our "must plays" and our "must not plays." When my fiance and I compared lists, we found some of my "must plays" on his "must not play" list and vice versa. We compromised (he would say that he gave in). It worked perfectly.
What are your thoughts about music?
PRIME OF LIFE GUIDE TO WEDDING SHOES
I haven't worn high heels since the 80s when I wore pumps as a banker in NYC. I am at my happiest in clogs (Dansko to be specific) so the idea of wearing high heels for my wedding was never an option.
Sure, high heels are slimming (though I'd need really high heels to make a difference). Sure, my husband is 6 feet tall, but there was no way I would be uncomfortable on my wedding day. I swear if Dansko or Crocs made an ivory clog, I would have been elated but they didn't (I checked).
Kenneth Cole was introducing his shoes with Nike Air technology just as I started shoe shopping. I'm a big Kenneeth Cole fan so I was excited but I didn't find them to be comfortable.
I was a big fan of the Ferragamo flats with bows in the late 80s/90s but I couldn't find them with the right size heel in ivory.
I googled my way around ivory mules and ivory clogs and came up with one pair on the entire internet. These are
made by by David Tate and I bought them on-line at Zappos. They are super comfortable though the lining doesn't breathe. That said, I could walk in them for hours. I was thrilled.
One of my friends runs a major shoe company. He accompanied me to my first fitting and was appalled at my choice of shoe. The color didn't match the gown (I didn't think it mattered since the gown goes to the floor). He made me walk in the gown and I was surprised at how much shoe I saw (so maybe it was a blessing that Dansko and Crocs didn't come through for me after all).
He did
the most unbelievable thing ever and had my shoes made to order, matching the fabric beautifully. I loved them! They were beautiful and pretty comfy. The only downside is that he had to keep making the draft shoes bigger - nothing like saying to a friend in the fashion industry "I know these seem like kayaks compared to what you normally design but these are still a wee bit too snug..."
Since the wedding, I learned why the shoes were a problem. I have developed a bunyon. Try googling "bunyon tips for brides." Suffice it to say, you just wear wide shoes. This bridal odyssey got sexier by the day...
Despite complete confidence in my friend, I feared the beautiful custom shoes might be uncomfortable
so I decided I need a "team of shoes" approach for the wedding day so I had the "official" wedding shoes, the David Tates as backups and the stereotypical wedding flipflop (though those proved to be uncomfortable and stiff). I wore the official shoes for eight hours with a half hour switch off to the David Tates. I lasted longer than the barefooted guests on the dance floor. YAY.
I'm curious about what others have done to be comfortable in their footwear on the big day.
Sure, high heels are slimming (though I'd need really high heels to make a difference). Sure, my husband is 6 feet tall, but there was no way I would be uncomfortable on my wedding day. I swear if Dansko or Crocs made an ivory clog, I would have been elated but they didn't (I checked).
Kenneth Cole was introducing his shoes with Nike Air technology just as I started shoe shopping. I'm a big Kenneeth Cole fan so I was excited but I didn't find them to be comfortable.
I was a big fan of the Ferragamo flats with bows in the late 80s/90s but I couldn't find them with the right size heel in ivory.
I googled my way around ivory mules and ivory clogs and came up with one pair on the entire internet. These are
made by by David Tate and I bought them on-line at Zappos. They are super comfortable though the lining doesn't breathe. That said, I could walk in them for hours. I was thrilled.One of my friends runs a major shoe company. He accompanied me to my first fitting and was appalled at my choice of shoe. The color didn't match the gown (I didn't think it mattered since the gown goes to the floor). He made me walk in the gown and I was surprised at how much shoe I saw (so maybe it was a blessing that Dansko and Crocs didn't come through for me after all).
He did
the most unbelievable thing ever and had my shoes made to order, matching the fabric beautifully. I loved them! They were beautiful and pretty comfy. The only downside is that he had to keep making the draft shoes bigger - nothing like saying to a friend in the fashion industry "I know these seem like kayaks compared to what you normally design but these are still a wee bit too snug..."Since the wedding, I learned why the shoes were a problem. I have developed a bunyon. Try googling "bunyon tips for brides." Suffice it to say, you just wear wide shoes. This bridal odyssey got sexier by the day...
Despite complete confidence in my friend, I feared the beautiful custom shoes might be uncomfortable
so I decided I need a "team of shoes" approach for the wedding day so I had the "official" wedding shoes, the David Tates as backups and the stereotypical wedding flipflop (though those proved to be uncomfortable and stiff). I wore the official shoes for eight hours with a half hour switch off to the David Tates. I lasted longer than the barefooted guests on the dance floor. YAY.I'm curious about what others have done to be comfortable in their footwear on the big day.
WELCOME and INTRODUCTION
Welcome to Prime of Life Bride! I just got married for the first time at 46. While I had great support from my then-fiance, my friends, and my family, I felt surprisingly alone in the on-line bridal planning community.
Everything seems pitched to twenty somethings in cinderella gowns or to mature brides in ivory suits. Neither description fit me. Now that my wedding is past, I have some time and wisdom and wanted to see if I could help to connect women in their "prime of life" (as my grandmother would say) to discuss the joy and challenges of wedding planning in middle age.
While there are some challenges, there are so many advantages to getting married at this time in our lives. We know ourselves better. We are more confident. We're probably making a better choice of partner than we would have (or did) back then. And, we have the resources to plan the wedding of our dreams
More about "prime of life"
I grew up as part of a large Irish Catholic family in Queens which meant that my childhood was spent at more than my fair share of wakes and funerals for distant cousins. I remember my grandmother grieving the death of a forty something cousin and she kept saying "he died in the prime of life." Now I have to admit, at the time, I thought he was old enough to die. I'm smarter now.
I like the term "prime of life" because it speaks of our age in a positive way. While there are some challenges associated with being 46 (read: hot flashes), I love this time in my life and, now that I connected with my soulmate, this truly is the prime of my life.
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